A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
And asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'Hellooooo......' answered the blond.
'I bought them as watch dogs!'
Saturday
Doctor Doctor
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.
'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. '
Your finger is broken.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.
'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. '
Your finger is broken.
Tuesday
Help me with the puzzle!
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.
She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.
She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Bus#54
A blonde guy was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. He wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
He thanked the officer and the officer drove off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, our blonde fellow is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 47th bus just went by!"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
He thanked the officer and the officer drove off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, our blonde fellow is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 47th bus just went by!"
Building a house
Two blonds were building a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward ME, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!!"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward ME, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!!"
A very clever blonde
A Blonde and a Lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Monday
Blonde house painter
One day a blonde decides that she is so sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Blonde with a hot iron
A young man comes home from the office and finds his blonde bride sobbing uncontrollably. ”What’s wrong?” he asks.
”I feel awful,” she cried. “While I was pressing your suit, I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
“Don’t worry about it,” consoled the husband. “Remember that I have an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“Yes, and it’s a damn good thing you do, too,” she replied, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.”
”I feel awful,” she cried. “While I was pressing your suit, I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
“Don’t worry about it,” consoled the husband. “Remember that I have an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“Yes, and it’s a damn good thing you do, too,” she replied, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.”
Heads and shoulders
A blonde and a brunette are catching up after having not seen each other for a long while, when the brunette says to the blonde, “Did you know that I’m married to Billy now?”The blonde replies, “Really? No, I did’nt know that, but I used to date him. Isn’t he the one who had the really bad dandruff?”“Yeah,” answered the brunette, “but I fixed that, I gave him some head and shoulders.”The blonde looks really confused and after a few moments asks, “How do you give Shoulders?”
The blonde kidnapper
This blonde woman was having financial troubles, when she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.
Signed - “The Blonde”
She pinned the note inside the boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home.The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note:
“Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another.”
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.
Signed - “The Blonde”
She pinned the note inside the boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home.The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note:
“Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another.”
Blonde on an airplane
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?” Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?” Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
Blonde one liners
Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?Because the box said 4 to 6 years.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?Gifted.
A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an “F” in sex.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?She’s the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?Gifted.
A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an “F” in sex.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?She’s the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
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